Show Me the Way

Happy March! It’s National Women’s Month! It’s International Women’s Day! What a treat to see my newsfeed filled with so many  posts of inspiring women to break up the highly volatile political landscape.

In February I read “I Am Malala” and it was a much different experience than I was expecting. I had minimal context about Malala Yousafzai as a person and as I read I learned more about her culture and surroundings than her personal story and activism. Comparing this reading experience to January’s –  I found when reading Elizabeth Warren’s book I had the context of the political climate she was writing from and could visualize myself in it and with Malala I was too young when the taliban rose to power and I have never lived outside of a developed country so I was unable to fully put myself Malala’s her shoes.

I’m still figuring out this blogging venture and have realized it’s going to become a lot more personal than I expected. The goal was always to relate the events in the books and the female experiences to my modern life as an average young woman in the world, but while reading I’ve learned so much about my unique personal story that I need an outlet for my emotions and thoughts. Here we are! I’ll continue to share my opinions on the world with a critical eye, but the content will be more personal inspired by what I’m reading versus analyses of the books themselves. Writing is a wave and I’m just riding it.

With all of that said let’s dig into “I Am Malala”. Malala was quite young in the book and shared a lot about her school years and her relationship with her parents. For those who are not familiar, Malala grew up in Pakistan during the rise of the taliban and became an advocate for female education at a young age and as a result she was shot in an assassination attempt. She went on to become the youngest Nobel Peace Prize winner and continues her efforts in with the Malala Fund today. Her father owned schools and at a time when daughters were viewed as highly inferior to sons, Malala’s father encouraged her education. As the taliban grew, females were banned from going to school and rules restricting how women existed in society were enforced on an extreme level. From what they wore to who had to escort them, few choices were fully up to women. Malala fought for her place in society and should be an inspiration to anyone who feels they can’t accomplish something due to their circumstances.

I was slapped in the face by my privilege, never having to worry whether I could go to school because of my gender, never having to move due to active threats against my family, never having to find a male relative to escort me when I wanted to go out on the town. Another topic that hit me page after page was how Malala’s relationship with her father impacted how she viewed and presented herself. The majority of this post willl recount and relate the relationship I had with me father and the story of my biggest failure. I know it’s odd and not of the moment to be writing about a man on a day celebrating women, but I am feeling empowered to share a personal story and will relate it to the day, I promise.

Male Figures
I’m not a man-hating feminist. In fact, I’d argue men are some of feminists’ greatest allies. Malala’s father could have easily put her in the conservative box and not encouraged her education. She could have easily never attended school, never learned to read, never traveled from her hometown. In her culture it was up to the father figure to make the decision on how his daughters would live. It takes a special person to defy society standards. Malala has a spirit that would have thrived despite her encouraging household, but her father definitely helped make it possible. It made me think about myself and who I would be without the influence of my own father.

Reading “I Am Malala” I related a lot to her relationship with her father and finally felt ready to share my own story, which I do below. As I mentioned I think men are some of feminists’ greatest allies and that starts with fathers. Society projects its own gender roles, but starting in the home young girls see their own truth. Mothers are just as important as fathers in creating this truth. My point here is, the father daughter relationship is unique and highly influential. Without my father pushing me in math class I probably would have believed I was bad at it because I was a girl. Without my father letting me take part in games with the older boys, I probably would have felt more nervous in a 60%+ male business school in college. The small nuances and seemingly unimportant moments are what shaped my tenacity. So here goes, a big story on a big day.

The Untold Story
I don’t talk openly about my dad often. I’ve only shared his whole story with the few most dear to me. Though recently, I’ve learned to be more transparent and expressive. When reading about the relationships between Malala and her family I felt compelled to share my own story on a large (I mean like 5 people will probably read this) or at least public platform.

I grew up with a built in best friend. At social gatherings, if my dad was throwing a football around I was right there. If I heard he was going to the driving range, I tagged along. He took me to Michigan football games. He took me on trips to amusement parks where we rode the biggest fastest rides. He helped me with science fair projects. I played air soft guns with him and the boys in youth group. I had my own toolkit and helped him in the garage. I grilled with him on the back patio in the summer. We went to the gym together. We play fought (because I was always trying to prove I was as strong as him.) He teased me, I teased him. A lot of these things could be considered “boy” activities but I never knew that was their perception.

I lived my life in a somewhat gender blind mindset. Nothing was off limits (except that one time I tried to join the football team and even then I could have if I REALLY fought for it.) That’s because both of my parents allowed me to express myself. My dad let me in on typically boy things and also went dress shopping with me. My mom watched football with us and also taught me to cook. Although my parents lived along traditional gender roles, somewhere in the trickle down I felt comfortable bending those same norms.

My dad died August 4th, 2010. That’s the only detail most people know. He started his hospital battle on April 2, Good Friday. 124 days before. It was so fast and I was so naive.

My dad went in for a normal surgery in April. Then things went awry. I was 17 and optimistic, not paying too much attention to the details. It started with a problem with his blood and things went on a roller coaster from there. He was transferred from our hometown hospital to Indianapolis and back and then back to Indianapolis and then back – I honestly don’t know how many times. There were few answers and a continuous stream of new questions.

In three months I only visited the hospital three times. I said it was because I hated hospitals, which I do, but subconsciously I’m sure it was because I didn’t want to see my dad helpless. The first visit was before what was supposed to be the original surgery. Second, before his first emergency flight to Indianapolis. Finally, while driving through Indy on my way to compete in DECA nationals. Each time staying only a few minutes. Note the last time was in May. He was home for about a month in the summer and it was great to have him, but he was a shell of himself. The strongest and smartest man I knew could barely get out of a chair by himself. I knew he was trying to show a brave face but for the first time I saw doubt in his eyes. He was working to regain strength at physical therapy and even went back to work but months of bedrest and sedation takes a toll. I always thought I wanted to be as strong as him, but I had never imagined being stronger than him. Despite this new normal, he was home and I still thought everything would be fine.

My final trip back to the hospital I was still reluctant. I received a phone call from a family friend telling me she needed to come over when I got home from cheerleading practice. I cried at school with a few friends because I instantly knew something was wrong. I met Deanna at my house. She sat me down and for the first time I heard that things were not going to be okay. I think this is when they had finally figured out that he was battling a rare autoimmune disease antiphospholipid syndrome which triggered lupus. Honestly, I never understood medically what was happening. Deanna explained that we had an indefinite amount of time left but they would take me to Indianapolis to be with my mom, sister, and dad that day and we would stay until things got better. I packed a bag to stay for a week –  still thinking things WOULD get better.

After a 2 hour drive I arrived to a doctor not allowing me into the room. I’ve never been one to take no for an answer when I want something and pleaded and pushed the doctor to let me in to no avail. Frustrated, I went to the bathroom hoping those few minutes would be enough time for them to fix the current problem and let me in the room. Instead, I opened the bathroom door to see Deanna and she let me know it was over. Falling to the floor I had no control. I was too late. I got no goodbye. I had no last visit. I had so many unanswered questions. I immediately feared for my future without him. I gave no goodbye.

I felt overwhelmingly selfish for the first time in my life. I blamed myself for not being there. I blamed myself for a long time. I actually still blame myself. I still think as his daughter, one of his favorite people, if I would have been around, if my positive energy would have been in the room, things would have turned out differently. It’s a big reason why I refuse to let any situation turn into a “what if.” It’s a big reason I don’t let anything go unsaid. That’s a pain I never want to feel again.

So I rode back home with Deanna and Tim – my mom and my sister stayed to deal with the hospital. On the way home I told a couple of people, tasking Jenna with telling the majority of our friends because saying the words were too hard for me. I rarely consider how hard that must have been, I’m grateful to still have her friendship and strength. I got home, turned on no lights, and I got in my bed. I had cheerleading practice either the day after or two days after and I showed up not having eaten anything, weak & numb, tearing up in between sets. Everyone wondered how I was there, literally lifting people over my head. My dad taught me commitment and perseverance and I wasn’t going to forget that so soon after he was gone.

In reality, I was just swallowing my emotions as I always do and putting my energy anywhere else. I baked cookies all day while my mom was out making funeral plans. My friend Jenna kindly hosted (and invited) everyone to her house so I could see my friends all at once. I stayed there until I was almost too tired to drive so I could go home and go straight to bed and avoid being alone with my thoughts. My mom came up the next morning and asked if I wanted to help with any of the arrangements – I gave another selfish no. I couldn’t face it. As much as I hated hospitals, I hated funerals more.

At the viewing I barely looked in the casket, I still didn’t want it to be real. I stood at the door, greeting everyone who arrived. Being the extroverted one of the family, this worked well. I didn’t really cry or think about anything it was just one person after another. Repeating motions. I felt a sense of pride that so many people came to support not only my father but my mom, sister, and me as well. My friends left notes on my car, I saw people who I hadn’t seen in years, my teachers came. I hung out with my friend Michael in between the morning and afternoon open call hours. I went to my friend Chase’s house later that night. It was another whirlwind day that allowed me to push my emotions to the back as I tried to be strong for the family like my dad always was, I wanted to fill his role.  I wanted to celebrate my father’s life instead of mourning it.

A few days before, I finally knew how I could be involved. I woke up one night and wrote a speech – Jerry Maguire style. It came out effortlessly and expressed our relationship. I spoke last at the funeral, still feeling sad on the inside and strong on the outside. I knew I was part of his legacy and needed to use the skills I had to live up to that responsibility. I recently found the speech I typed (check out the full transcript here). My favorite line is: “He never accepted less than my best, and always let me know when I could do better. Because of that, I have learned to strive for the top and I have learned that I can do anything as long as I try.” I’ve never forgotten these lessons and I’ve never felt any task impossible. 

The Aftermath, The Women
What people don’t know is during this time I spent about a month of my junior year in high school living alone. My mom was with my dad in Indy and despite many opportunities I refused to go. For the first time my inherently independent nature was tested. I drove myself to school, to the grocery store, to track meets, to shop for my prom dress – all alone.

Except I wasn’t alone. Looking back at the network of people who were supporting me the people who jump out were amazing women. Deanna checked that I was home safely and was eating well, a second mother of sorts. Suzanne, my wonderful AP Lang teacher made sure I knew I could come to her for anything and I spent many hours in her classroom and her home studying and now call her a friend and mentor. Jenna, one of my oldest and closest friends is one of the strongest people I know and let me vent to her or come over or drive around whenever I needed a break. And last but not least, my mom. She wasn’t occupying the same space as me but from afar was supportive making sure she was there for me and my father, something I can’t imagine balancing. She drove back and forth to be with me for the weekend and to take prom pictures. She answered my random cooking questions and always made sure I was okay by myself.

These women held me up. Today on International Women’s Day I thank them. I’ve barely shared this story with a few of  them, including my mom, but even six and a half years later I am forever indebted to the love I was shown. It’s still hard sometimes. I still have random nights of tears. That will never go away. These women and numerous others continue to inspire me to be my best self and I can only hope I’m paying it forward.

I love seeing all of the strong female examples on my timeline, the astronauts, the engineers, the athletes. After writing this, I want to be sure to also recognize the caretakers. Part of the pay gap is due to women taking more positions in “care industries.” That’s daycare, nursing, social work, stay at home mom etc and these jobs are grossly underpaid. Women literally take care of the world. Women took care of me.

I haven’t started (or chosen) my March book yet. Honestly, I’m a slow reader and have had trouble prioritizing it. So stay tuned and in the meantime check out these articles about boss ladies across the country and comment any you’ve read!

Vogue – American Women
#GirlsCount: This Is What 130 Million Girls Missing Out On Education Looks Like
Air India’s all-female crew makes history with round-the-world flight
Twitter – #IWD2017
The World’s Most Powerful Women Share Their Best Leadership Advice
Why the Defiant Girl Statue in Front of the Wall Street Bull Is So Significant
Now, More Than Ever, A Day for Women Matters
4 Life Lessons From Hillary Clinton on International Women’s Day

*Show Me the Way – Styx

What Kind of Man

Well…the first 20 days of January were fun and nostalgic. I attended the rally in Columbus Circle the day before the inauguration and felt a sense of unity, action, and hope that the threats we faced were conquerable. Fast forward through the first week off the Trump presidency and I have to hold back tears with each new executive order he signs. Each day has been a reminder of the diverse people who built America who now need our protection. 9.2 miles from where I am currently sitting, our country is detaining innocent people seeking refuge from their unimaginable conditions. They are coming here to try and stay alive, to seek safety, and they are not being welcomed. Let me just point out this is in no way a pro-life, Christian, “great” American, or objectively moral move. And this is only the most recent un-American development this week.

But through it all we all have to hang onto hope, resisting the urge to let go no matter how weak we may feel. I’m lucky to live in the greatest city in the world where my hope is restored literally every day by the people getting out and fighting for what they believe. Both standing with them and watching from afar, I remember that in almost every story good conquers evil so long as there is a hero to take it on. There were heroes marching for good on every continent on day one of the current evil’s reign, let’s keep showing up. Let’s fight to remain a compassionate and accepting society of ALL people, no matter what our leadership is mandating.

Now that I have that off of my chest, as we near the end of January I’m starting to wrap my head around everything in A Fighting Chance for my first book “review” post. For today, I was struck as a bystander of last weekend’s Women’s March and a portion of Elizabeth Warren’s book dealing with the double standard women face.

“What’s it like to run as a woman?”

Elizabeth Warren notes that throughout the early months of her campaign, this was often the first question reporters asked. We need to stop asking this question.

Running a campaign should be the same for both men and women, but for some reason there’s an added pressure to a female campaign. How will she take care of her children? How will she make decisions on her menses? How will she be strong enough to stand up to world leaders?

Let me tell you. The same way men do it. Men have families. Men have emotions. And some men definitely aren’t strong enough to stand up to world leaders (and that’s ok!!)

We have to stop gendering occupations. Hollywood has gotten a lot of flack for asking actresses more questions about their appearance than about their work. I think need we to be conscious of that in all questioning about professions. All it takes is leaving out the gender. Ask “What’s it like to be a police officer?” instead of “What’s it like to be a female police officer?” We need to start normalizing traditionally male roles so young girls know they can be anything. If they hear a woman asked “What’s it like to be a female CFO?” they’ll internalize that being a CFO is not the norm for girls and seek other paths. Even though it’s not always done maliciously, it has to change.

Check out another interesting take on this subject from Eater on the recent “Best Female Chef” award here.

“Women always think of reasons they aren’t good enough. Men never ask if they’re good enough” 

A colleague told Elizabeth this when she was contemplating running for Senate without much political experience.

I consider myself a confident woman, yet when I read this I immediately related. I’ll admit it’s a general rule and there are definitely men who also ask if they’re good enough. But it’s one of those things you don’t realize until it’s pointed out and once it is pointed out you can’t forget. It’s an unfortunate truth that this is how women think, but for me, it is a gift to be more aware of how my intrinsic thoughts can affect me daily.

It has to be  a mindset change. When applying to jobs, I always notice the one tiny skill I don’t have versus being confident in the many skills I do have. When navigating relationships, I always think I must have done something wrong if it goes south versus looking at the context of what actually happened. For example, recently I was talking to my BFF Sarv and he told me “how bout you don’t even think about it and go about your life normally because even though you like attention, you don’t need it.” This is 100% true, but I still wondered what I did to cause the absence of attention. (Nothing is the answer, but there was a full list of theoretical tiny mistakes I could have made.)

I think part of  this dichotomy of thinking is due to men having more role models in positions of power. They’ve seen one man after another achieve the same thing, man after man being the breadwinner in relationships. Women in these same powerful positions are fewer. So women feel they have to be more highly qualified to reach them.

“It happens with every woman. People have to talk about how she looks before they can talk about what she says.” 

Hillary Clinton’s campaign. Sarah Palin’s campaign. Elizabeth Warren’s campaign. Every Red Carpet event. The Women’s March. Rape culture. Cat calling. All of these are framed by what the women look like in the public eye and to achieve true equality we have to change the conversation.

It’s just another way women are still told their words don’t matter. Rape victims are blamed for wearing revealing clothing. The most acclaimed actresses are criticized for wearing an ugly dress.Hillary Clinton was criticized for not smiling enough, for her smile being disingenuous, the list goes on. Even at the inauguration, Hillary was acknowledged more in the media for wearing white than for her hard-fought campaign or showing up and acting with grace.

A lot of people think men and women are equal now. And in more ways than ever they are. However, these seemingly small judgments continue to hold women back. Instead of only having to write an amazing speech  and deliver it, women have to also wear perfectly fitting clothing and unblemished makeup. Instead of feeling confident in a great new outfit, women have to worry if someone on the street will harass them for it. These additional considerations in daily life, though minute, add up in the long run taking valuable time away from productive activities.

Addressing the Opposition

In spite of not wanting to give this woman any more publicity for her asinine comments, a recent Washington Post interview question struck a cacophonous cord with me. I’m going to break it down. I’m glad Kellyanne brought to light how non-feminists think, presenting an opportunity to address her qualms.

“You don’t consider yourself a feminist?”
KAC “I don’t consider myself a feminist. I think my generation isn’t a big fan of labels. My favorite label is mommy. I feel like the feminist movement has been hijacked by the pro-abortion movement or the anti-male sentiments that you read in some of their propaganda and writings. I’m not anti-male. One does not need to be pro-female and call yourself a feminist, when with it comes that whole anti-male culture where we want young boys to sit down and shut up in the classroom. And we have all of these commercials that show what a feckless boob the man in the house is. That’s not the way I see the men in my life, most especially my 12-year-old son. I consider myself a post feminist. I consider myself one of those women who is a product of her choices, not a victim of her circumstances.”

On labels: Kellyanne says her generation is not big on labels but from where I’m sitting they are quick to blame a lot of problems on “millenials.” I’m going to assert labels are not the problem. I’m happy her favorite label is mommy, one day I’m sure it will be mine as well, actually my friends already call me mom and it’s the best. Here’s the thing, you can be a mom and be a feminist at the same time and be proud of both. Raising future sons and daughters to believe in equality for all people is integral to the promise of the American dream. A dream that is the same for every parent – for their children to be better off than themselves. Labeling oneself as a feminist is being proud of and desiring equality for all races, religions, and it just happens to have its roots in gender equality.

On feminism being anti-male & pro-abortion: Feminists are not anti-male. Do feminists hate that men are restricting the decisions women can make regarding their bodies, yes. Do feminists hate that men make $.20 more per $1 than women, yes. Kellyanne says feminists want boys to “sit down and shut up”…nope. Feminists want men to be strong and continue serving in leadership roles, we just want them to know women should have the same chances to work at the same level. Because, let me say it louder for the people in the back, feminism’s fight is for equality. What laws have been signed in a room full of women regarding how and where men can handle their reproductive health? The answer is no laws. I grew up in a conservative household, I wrote a pro-life persuasive speech in sixth grade, so no I’m also not obsessed with my right to have an abortion. I’m obsessed with my right to decide how I live my life.

On post feminism: We are not in a post-feminist society and don’t let anyone tell you differently. Sure, we had a female presidential candidate, but we’re not in a post-feminist society any more than we’re in a post-racist society after having a black president. These problems still exist, even if there are people who don’t feel directly effected. Women do make less money than men. It’s getting better, but part of the problem is young girls aren’t encouraged to learn skills as often or shown powerful female role models as often in fields where higher salaries are earned. Whenever Elizabeth Warren met a young girl on the campaign trail she introduced herself and said “I’m running for senate because that’s what girls do.”I bought my girl cousins books full of female leaders and engineering toys for Christmas. We have to change how we talk to young girls and they will grow up to know their place is anywhere they want it to be.  To become post-feminist we have to start becoming less dependent on gender roles. To become post-feminist we have to stop telling girls their highest priority in life is to find  men to love and marry them. To become post-feminist we have to label it, we have to have men join the fight, and we have to have healthy girls.

Coincidentally, my February book just became even more relevant – I Am Malala. Written by Malala Yousafza and how she fought for what she believed in and almost lost her life. I expect her determination will teach me to be stronger and less fearful as I fight going forward.

A few ways to help:
Ways To Take Effective Action Following The Magnificent Women’s March
A List of Pro-Women, Pro-Immigrant, Pro-Earth, Anti-Bigotry Organizations That Need Your Support
Donate to the ACLU

*What Kind of Man – Florence & The Machine